"An onion can make people cry, but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh."
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock."
"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."
"I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they do today."
"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip."
"Nothing you can't spell will ever work."
"The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them."
"There ought to be one day-- just one-- when there is open season on senators."
"There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you."
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else."
"I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts."
"Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work."